Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Mimi na Brown


Mke wangu na mimi, sisi wote walikuwa wetu mbwa husika kabla ya sisi akawa masharti kisheria wenyewe. Kwa kweli, katika moja ya "tarehe" yetu ya kwanza ilikuwa baada ya chama fulani, kuchukua kile akabaki ya lita nusu ya studio Jack Daniels kijani na kuhusu mfuko dime ya shake, sisi kuwazingira mbwa wote wetu, na "zilizokopwa" minivan rafiki kwenda Montana, moja kwa moja ghafla kutoroka kutoka Richmond, Virginia, kubwa katika juu yetu, isipokuwa mke wangu-kuwa kupita nje, na mimi hatimaye alifanya pia, nyuma ya K-Mart mahali fulani karibu West Virginia line serikali.
Mara sisi kweli walikuwa ndoa na kuishi pamoja, mbwa mbio pamoja kwa miaka, na kuifanya kwa karibu miaka kumi ziada, kabla ya wao wawili walikufa katika mbwa kutisha njia katika nchi daima kufa - kupata hit na malori unmufflered au mauled na mafahali huru shimo au daima kitu ukali ghafla, ndani ya wiki kadhaa ya kila mmoja. Hivyo sisi pengine inaonekana kidogo sana kwa urahisi kwa ajili ya mbwa mpya kuchukua nafasi hawa zamani.
moja ya kwanza kuja pamoja ilikuwa ndogo, bunduki-aibu, waliopotea uwindaji mbwa ambaye alikuja cowering kutoka Woods, kutikisa mkia wake, kutafuta chakula. Mimi si kweli wanataka yake, lakini mke na watoto, hata ingawa yeye 'd kamwe kupata karibu kutosha kwa ajili ya wewe pet yake, alikuwa wakashikamana na hound hii. Kwamba akawa wetu mpya kwanza mbwa - Burdock. Unaweza vigumu milele msimguse, na kama alivyofanya ilikuwa ni kwa sababu wewe cornered yake na yeye d cower chini kwenye tumbo yake, kufanya chini ya kichwa chake mwili wake wakati bado kutikisa mkia wake - classic wamekimbia kupigwa kupotea.
Sisi alipewa mbwa yetu ya pili ya jozi mpya kutoka kwa dada yangu mdogo, ambaye bado aliishi katika wigo wa kukatisha nyumbani ambapo mimi ikakua, ambapo viwanda na madirisha plywood na folks 'favorite shughuli za burudani ni kupima mipaka ya maisha kwa njia ya uzembe kujiua. Hii inaweza kuhusisha mashine madawa ya kulevya, au chochote kingine ni conveniently kutosha katika mkono. Dada yangu mdogo alikuwa Gotten ilimalizika katika mbinu, na kuacha nyumba tu kwenda kazi yake kama Waitress, wake na mpenzi wake kujichimbia katika nyumba zao pango-kama njia ya kando ya barabara ya nyuma, zaidi ya mipaka yao indulging kuvuta nyuma. Aligeuka mpenzi wake alikuwa pia kuanza dabbling katika matumizi ufa pia, na wakati wote pamoja, walikuwa sehemu hii maabara / sehemu chow, big manjano goof ya mbwa aitwaye Buddy ambao kimsingi walikaa minyororo juu katika mlango wa mbele ili kuwatisheni mbali wanachama wote zaidi thievish ya folks nyeusi ambaye aliishi karibu. Moja usiku, wakati wa kuendesha gari nyumbani kutoka kitu au nyingine, dada yangu imeshuka sigara wake katika gari, na mpenzi wake uliofanyika gurudumu wakati yeye fiska kwa ajili yake. Aliamua ni vyema slam gurudumu ya kushoto na smash yao ndani ya mti tangu yeye d - bila kujua kwake - wamekuwa kuiba maelfu ya dola kutokana na kazi yake ya kusaidia kuweka juu na ladha yake kwa miamba ufa. gari imeteketea, kuharibiwa nusu ya kile dada yangu inayomilikiwa, na yeye mbio mbali katika Woods na kutoweka. Walipofika huko, Cops alielezea wao alikuwa tayari kuangalia kwa ajili yake, na watuhumiwa yeye wrecked gari kwa makusudi. Hiyo ilikuwa amka dada yangu juu ya wito, na yeye kuhamia nyumbani kwa kupata mwenyewe pamoja. Hivyo sisi alichukua katika Buddy.
Buddy alikuwa na kwamba ajabu survivor aura juu yake. Wakati katika transit katika nyuma ya pick-up, wakati wao walikuwa wakitembea kwa madawa ya kulevya pango lao, Buddy njiwa nje, hobbling mbali ndani ya maili Woods mbali ambapo wao d kushoto na walipokuwa wanakwenda. Wao waliangalia na kuangalia kwa ajili yake, lakini kamwe kupatikana kwake. Wiki tatu baadaye, akafika kiwete chini ya barabara, goofy kama milele, na yeye alikuwa namna fulani alifanya hivyo kwa nyumbani yake mpya. Mpenzi dada yangu alikuwa na kupatikana kwake miaka michache iliyopita kutokana na uzoefu mengine vile vile mangled, hivyo Buddy ilikuwa kituko huweza kuingia ya wanyama, zaidi kuliko feral pet-kama, ingawa kirafiki.
Buddy na Burdock - jozi wetu mpya wa mbwa - wao kamwe kabisa kazi nje. Wao mbio barabara kuzunguka mashamba tuliishi karibu sana, akawatoa mizoga kulungu nyumbani, atarudi na scrapes kutoka vyuma chakavu, na tu kuwa jumla kero. Wao hofu watoto wetu nusu ya wakati, na wakati wao dragged katika kulungu unskinned mtoto, mimi barabara walikuwa si tu kutafuta mabaki ya uwindaji redneck katika Woods, lakini kwa kweli mbio chini dhaifu kulungu juu yao wenyewe. Mimi kamwe kuona mantiki ya kuwa na mbwa katika mazingira ya kijijini na kutunza yao minyororo au penned juu, hivyo nikajaribu kutoa mafunzo yao, mbwa wakubwa hao. Hakuna bahati ingawa. Buddy'd Chase kila pikipiki au lori dampo kwamba alimfukuza zamani, na Burdock tanga nyumbani na takataka au critters katika kinywa yake wakati nusu. Mimi walisubiri kwa siku wakati baadhi barabara nyuma moto shuti crotch roketi yake kufutika kwa sababu mbwa njiwa kutoka nyasi ndefu katika shimoni, kujaribu bite katika tairi yake ya nyuma.
Mimi alijaribu nusu kwa ukamilifu ili kupata mahali fulani kwa ajili ya mbwa kwenda, kuuliza kuzunguka na wito makazi ya mitaa, ambayo mara zote KADI zaidi ya uwezo. Lakini Pigo la mwisho lilikuja wakati mimi got nyumbani kutoka kazi siku moja, na mke wangu alikuwa chini katika uwanja, hollering kwa ajili yangu. Tulikuwa na mbuzi watatu - mama na watoto wawili - na sisi kamwe got kuzunguka kwa kukamua kama sisi ilivyopangwa. Lakini ningependa kuwa masharti yao. Mbuzi ni ajabu viumbe, na mengi ya furaha na roughhouse karibu na, ingawa wao itabidi video goti yako kutoka nyuma kama linebacker katikati kutoka siku chapeo ngozi. Kupanda juu metalhead mwenyewe, ilionekana kuwa kamilifu haya albamu viumbe cover-kama, na mimi milele alitaka jina yao mambo kama Kutoka au Kreator au Cirith Ungol au nyingine jina bendi kutoka doodles yangu ujana wa mifupa thrashing hatua mbele ya elfu Impaled, Waliikatakata miili kwenye karatasi daftari maana kwa ajili ya matatizo math. Kuwa na mabinti wawili na mke ingawa, mbuzi kuishia na majina kama karoti au wakati Gingerbread au Lavender wote.
Naam, mbwa, ambayo inaonekana waliowapata zaidi kuliko feral sisi barabara, cornered mbuzi wetu kongwe katika malisho na mauled nzuri yake. Mke wangu wakapigana nao mbali na alikuwa ameshika yao katika ghuba, wamesimama juu ya mbuzi protectively kufa, wakishika zetu mbili mwenye umri wa miaka juu ya moja hip, ambao kwa miezi baadaye bila kuuliza katika majadiliano ya kuvunjwa mtoto, "Mbuzi kuumiza? Mbuzi kufa? "
I grabbed mbwa wote na kuzitupa katika hutches sungura wanandoa nimeona wakati dampo moja, akashuka huwa na mbuzi. Alikuwa kutokwa na damu sana na alikuwa matumbo dragging pamoja chini yake. Ningependa daima imekuwa moja ya kulisha na kucheza na mbuzi, na mimi nimepata benchi uzito huko nje kwa kalamu zao, hivyo ningependa kupata uzito wa juu na kuinua na kukaa juu crate maziwa na tu hutegemea nje katika makali ya uwanja huu na mbuzi muda mwingi basi wakawa masharti yangu, mbuzi kuwa pretty kijamii viumbe. Mbuzi Hii perked juu wakati nilipofika hapo, hivyo badala ya kufa kama yeye anapaswa tumefanya, yeye wobbled juu ya miguu yake gnarled-up, kuangalia saa yangu kama, "Wewe gonna kutatua tatizo hili?" Lakini kulikuwa na si kitu chochote ninachoweza , na sikuwa na fedha za kutosha kwa ajili ya bili ya simu na bima ya gari, kiasi kidogo kitu kama kupata timid, wanyama-upendo, Pseudo-daktari kwa fedha zaidi yangu kutenda kama mbuzi yangu ilikuwa babu yangu na kushona juu yake na kazi juu yake na kelele kwamba wote.
Baada ya saa kuhusu na kuingia giza, ilikuwa dhahiri mbuzi alikuwa si kwenda na kwenda juu yake mwenyewe, hivyo mimi akatupa kitambaa juu ya kichwa chake. Alikuwa pretty dhaifu kutoka kupoteza damu, na mimi akiegemea kichwa cha ngumu yake, suffocating yake, kumaliza off nini mbwa alikuwa ilianza. rafiki sisi kuitwa ambaye ana mifugo aliniambia njia ya haraka ilikuwa watakata makoo yao au risasi yao, lakini mimi si kuweka bunduki na hakuweza kabisa kujenga mwenyewe hadi kutumia kisu yangu Marine kwa kipande mzee familia mbuzi.
tatizo sasa alikuwa mbwa alikuwa na kwenda pamoja. Kupanda juu, tulikuwa na mauaji mbwa kupotea mara kwa mara, wakati tunatarajia kuangalia karibu na kutambua kulikuwa saba nusu-mwitu, mange-ridden wanyama mbio karibu yadi wakati wote; na baba yangu na rafiki yake ingekuwa kujiondoa bastola na risasi yao yote chini wakati muhimu wa kung'olea ng'ombe. Lakini kama nilivyosema, mimi si kuweka bunduki, hivyo kisu alikuwa chaguo tu, na kwamba bado walionekana pretty twisted kwangu. Mimi alichukua mbwa ndogo ndogo - Burdock - kwa kamba kuzunguka shingo yake looped kwa risasi, kama mbwa wala walivaa collar, na alichukua nyuma yake katika Woods nyuma ya nyumba. Mimi mawazo kuhusu jinsi rahisi katika sulubu umekuwa hulisonga nje mbuzi, hivyo mimi kimakosa wanaamini mwenyewe ningeweza tu kuwanyonga hii kidogo kupotea uwindaji mbwa, bila ya kuwa na kutumia kisu ningependa kuletwa na mimi. Mimi minskat kamba ngumu, akauzungushia nne au mara tano kuzunguka ngumi yangu moja na vunjwa, kusukuma dhidi ya nyuma ya shingo ya mbwa na upande mwingine, straddling Mutt katika Woods lami nyeusi. Lakini hakuna jambo jinsi ngumu mimi alifanya hili, mbwa hafi. Ningependa basi juu, na kusikiliza na kuona nini kinaendelea katika giza chini yangu, na mbwa ingekuwa whimper kwa upole, bado inajitahidi kutikisa mkia wake.
Hapa nilikuwa, grown, elimu mtu, ameketi juu ya mbwa ambaye ni maisha yote alikuwa na Downs kuwapiga imekuwa na unyanyasaji, kujaribu kuwanyonga yake mbali. Nilihisi kama baadhi degenerate mauaji Hooker, mambo yote akaniweka mno katika kuwasiliana na baadhi ya primal inataka kuzikwa ndani yetu sisi sote. Hatimaye, baada ya dakika kumi za mateso hii, wakati mimi barabara kulikuwa hakuna kurudi nyuma tangu ningependa pengine ubongo kuharibiwa mbwa, hivyo hapakuwa na kuruhusu kamba huru na kuwa na Wobble yake ya kuzunguka kama halfwit, nilikuwa na watakata yake koo. Sasa nimepata iliyokatwa katika kulungu kabla ya kwamba wamekuwa wafu kwa muda mfupi tayari, lakini kamwe kukata shingo ya mnyama aliye hai. Wamekaa katika giza zito juu ya kisiki, kutaka kuhakikisha mbwa amekufa, kusikia sauti ya damu kusukumia kwa njia ya kufyeka gaping nilikuwa kuweka hela shingo yake ... ilikuwa mbaya sounding kelele ningependa kusikia, etched haki ndani ya moyo wangu. Hakukuwa na njia ya mimi kufanya hivyo kwa mbwa nyingine kubwa zaidi, moja sawa kwamba alikuwa minyororo hadi nje ya nyumba dada yangu kwa miaka. Sijui, labda mimi nina dhaifu mno au pia kihisia, lakini mimi sitaki kuanza kufanya mazoezi wala hata moja zaidi ya kumbukumbu ya kufanya mambo kama hayo kwa mbwa.
Mimi akachukua kamba umwagaji damu kusababisha mbali ya Burdock, kuzikwa kwake, akarudi hutches sungura, na slipped ni kwenye Buddy. Mimi kumburuta hadi kwenye gari langu, na alimfukuza makazi milele yameshajaa kwamba alikuwa milele yameshajaa katikati ya usiku, looping risasi kwa mlango wa mbele kwa wao kupata asubuhi. Inawezekana kuwa haki katika macho yao, lakini wao d pengine akili kuwa chini kuliko mimi kumuua kwa blade mguu-muda mrefu.
tukio zima, ingawa shughuli ya kawaida umri wa shule ya shamba, knocked yangu yasiyo ya umri wa shule, mashirika yasiyo ya kilimo punda nje ya whack. creepy degenerate mauaji Hooker sambamba naendelea bouncing karibu katika kichwa changu, na mimi tu hakuwa na haki ya kujisikia, chafu juu ya tatizo zima, ingawa wote ningependa kufanyika ilikuwa ni nini nilikuwa na kufanya.

Anyways, mimi alikuwa kujenga myself up kwa miezi kwa ajili ya safari ya barabara uchangamfu nje vijijini Illinois kuona hii mara moja-a-mwaka, kampuni kubwa ya uharibifu derby kuitwa Maungano Ghasia, pamoja na mfuko wa fedha $ 10,000. Ni moja kubwa kuna, na mia kadhaa ya magari, na mimi na usafiri wangu buddy aitwaye Brown walikuwa hyped. Mimi nilikuwa na matumaini ya safari hiyo, Mabedui barabara bure ya wajibu, hata kama tu kwa muda wa siku nne au tano, ili Unioshe ya hatia yangu.
Ningependa kamwe kuwa nje kwa Midwest kabla. sprawl kutokuwa na inaonekana sterilized wa Chicago creeped yangu nje. Mama yangu alikuwa kweli alizaliwa huko, na ilikuwa ajabu kufikiria mimi naweza tumekuwa kikaingia kukiwa kwamba badala ya vijijini Virginia. Kabla na baada ya Chicago juu ya safari kwa kupitia, Midwest tu tweaked mimi na Brown nje, ila flatland, milele.
Inavyoonekana, uharibifu derbies ni kubwa ya muda katika sehemu hiyo ya nchi. Kurudi nyumbani, wapate kuwa na tano au sita katika jimbo zima mwaka mzima, kwa kawaida katika maonyesho ya kata. Huko nje, demo derbies ni kubwa mambo, na crews ya guys kweli kuunda timu ya madereva na kusafiri pamoja wanandoa wa mataifa katika mwelekeo wowote kwenda kwa nyara kubwa na ahadi ya chini mdogo kulipa awamu ya pili. kufanya-up ya nchi ina kuwa na kitu cha kufanya na hayo, kwa sababu kurudi nyumbani na yote vilima na milima na curves na hori, wewe d kuwa ngumu-pressed kuendesha gari kwa nusu saa bila kuona bouquet plastiki kwenye walinzi reli au msalaba wa mbao katika shimoni ambapo mtu alikufa katika ikaanguka gari. Nje katika Midwest, barabara ni sawa na hivyo ardhi ili gorofa, ni got kuwa kweli kwa ikaanguka gari mbaya ya kutosha atavunjavunja mwenyewe, hivyo derby demo anatoa guys hawa, ambao wote walionekana kuwa pretty vijana, nafasi ya mtihani maisha ya mipaka kwa njia ya uzembe, kama nyumbani folks nyuma.
siku ya kwanza ya derby kuanzia nje, ilikuwa drizzling na baridi, safi tu duni ya hewa, ambayo pia alifanya mashimo derby matope na polepole. arobaini gari kufurika joto kwa $ 2500 tulikuwa kuangalia alichukua karibu masaa matatu kumaliza up. tukio nzima ilikuwa wazi kwenda kuchukua milele. Ilikuwa kubwa starehe kwa wakati wa kuangalia jinsi magari inaweza kuwa hivyo mangled, fenders crumpled, tie fimbo kuvunjwa, gari moja hata baada ya gurudumu yake akageuka sideways ili moja ya tairi akaweka bapa kwenye ardhi kama frisbee, lakini Detroit yake injini zamani bado driva kupitia, na kulazimisha chuma smashed kuweza kuzunguka zaidi kuliko milele lazima. Lakini uharibifu derbies kuishia mengi kama pornography katika kuwa mtu yeyote mwenye akili timamu haina haja ya kukaa pale na kuangalia ni masaa nane sawa, kuna kuwa hakuna kilele mwisho zilizopatikana kutokana na anasa zaidi-sensual vile. Hii Ghasia Maungano alikuwa katika Ogle Jina Fairgrounds katika Nowhere, Illinois, familia nzima hunched pamoja ndani ya bima ya grandstands drizzle ya bure. Sad magunia kama sisi walimzunguka jockeying kwa nafasi Visual dhidi matusi halisi inayopakana eneo derby, kupata akanyesha juu ya matope na splattered saa yetu kutoka magari crashing. Mimi na Brown alifanya shimo kuacha nje ya gari ya kuvuta bia wanandoa nje baridi juu ya kiti cha nyuma, na wamekaa katika gari, katika shamba hilo mvua, huzuni flatland, tuliamua kusahau hayo. Tunatarajia kwenda nyuma ya hoteli na kupata mema na kulewa na kurudi kesho kwa siku ya pili wakati hopefully hali ya hewa itakuwa bora.
On njia ya kurudi hoteli yetu, sisi kusimamishwa saa dive barabara inayoitwa Oasis Labon kwa bia au tatu. Ilikuwa mahali faraja - biker-style rednecks wamekaa kuzunguka katika jackets satin kunywa Kale Sinema makopo mrefu. Mimi kuweka "Longhaired Redneck" juu ya jukebox, na sisi kunywa wanandoa, beseni Vibe mitaa. Guys haya yote na wasichana inaonekana kama aina ya folks ambao wameweza mbio na wazazi wangu, isipokuwa wote wote aliyesema funny, kwa lafudhi ya kwamba wasingalikuwa Ulaya uliookwa nje yake na humidity ya Kusini. Jukebox Labon alikuwa na kitu lakini nchi Outlaw na kusini mwa jabali, kamili ya nchi twang yangu. eneo nzima ilikuwa amusing, na kama tunatarajia kukaa, mmoja wa guys hawa hatimaye ingekuwa wameweza kuongea takataka kwetu sisi, kwa kuwa sisi walikuwa wageni. Lakini kwa wakati huo, mimi tu ukaangaza yangu chipped-jino tabasamu, mafichoni mwitu dimple ndani ya ndevu unkempt, got grin kujua kutoka Waitress kusikitisha wakati sisi makazi up, na mimi na Brown kurudi hoteli.
Siku iliyofuata ilikuwa inanyesha hata ngumu, na sisi alifanya uamuzi wa betabeta nyuma kuelekea nyumbani, hivyo hatukuwa na gari zima saa kumi na mbili juu ya Jumatatu. Na wengi wa Midwest bado hakuwa liking yetu. Tulikuwa na furaha mara kwa mara - wanaoendesha kupitia chunk Rico ya kusini upande Chicago ambapo folks alionekana bado kuelewa umuhimu wa kuwekewa nyuma. Sisi kuishia kupata nafuu katika chumba Dayton, Ohio, akizungukwa na faraja underclass ya ghetto, kamili na magari bass-thumping akipita sasa na baadaye, dingy buffets Kichina, viungo check-cashing na kama. Methed-nje vifaranga walikuwa wakitembea kwa njia ya kura ya maegesho ya hoteli, wawili kati yao hata kuambukizwa mimi kufungua mlango kusimama pale na kunywa bia, na kujaribu kuzungumza njia zao katika kuja katika kusubiri kwa ajili ya safari, ambayo katika uwezekano wote wanaotaka ' ve kuishia kuwa popote sisi akawafukuza. Kusahau kelele kwamba wote. Najua vifaranga tweaker, na wao kamwe kuangalia mazuri kama wao wenyewe kumbuka kuangalia, na ni karibu daima kamwe thamani shida.
Siku ya pili, baada ya kile kilichoonekana kama milele kuendesha gari pamoja South 35 kupitia Ohio, sisi kuanza kuona dalili za kina kwa nchi, badala ya kuwa ni mhuri ndani ya muda mrefu mashamba, mraba. vichochoro nne ya 35 kupitia Ohio dhiki kwa mbili mara moja sisi walivuka katika West Virginia, ardhi kuanza kupanda na kuanguka, na ikaanza kuangalia kama nyumbani tena. Mimi na Brown alianza unclench. Wakati mwingine, safari ya barabara ni nzuri kwa ajili ya kitu zaidi ya kuwakumbusha ya nini upendo kuhusu ambapo kuishia katika maisha. Piedmont Virginia imekuwa ni nyumbani wangu wangu wote maisha, nje ya forays kifupi katika mwelekeo mmoja au mwingine, na wakati wowote mimi kuishia kupata nyuma kuelekea kuwa sehemu ya nchi, iwe ndani ya gari langu mwenyewe au mtu mwingine au juu ya basi Greyhound, anahisi kama nyumbani zaidi na zaidi kila wakati. Kuzimu, mimi nina kuongeza yangu mwenyewe watoto huko sasa.
Kuhusu saa kando ya barabara inazidi mbaya mbili-mstari katika West Virginia nusu, sisi kupita uongofu van vunjwa juu kwenye kiraka cha changarawe pamoja upande wa barabara, pamoja na mwanamke frizzle-haired frantically akipunga mikono yake. Kulikuwa na magari kadhaa mbele yetu na wanandoa nyuma, na ndio mbele agizo juu ya trucking. Mimi na Brown aliamua kurejea nyuma karibu kuona nini kinachoendelea, gari nyuma yetu honking saa yetu kwa kupunguza chini ya kikomo kasi, kwa ajili ya kutafuta doa kugeuka. Tulipofika nyuma ambapo ilikuwa van, trekta na tela alikuwa tayari vunjwa juu, dereva mbio nyuma kwa kasi van kamili. Mimi vunjwa nyuma tu kama yeye kufikiwa ndani ya nyuma ya gari, na mwili kijana vijana walianguka nje, kichwa kwanza, ndani ya changarawe, miguu bado kukwama ndani ya van. Mimi mbio juu na kuulizwa kama mtu yeyote ametuita 911. dereva wa lori alisema mimi rig wake, kwa kunyakua kiini yake ya simu. Baada ya upigaji, mimi kupita simu mbali na mwanamke na hofu, kuwa na wazo asipajue kuzimu sisi. kid, kuangalia kama kumi na tano au hivyo, na kwa makovu kukata alama yote juu ya ndani ya forearms yake tayari, alikuwa amefungwa kwa namna fulani ukanda kiti shingoni katika jaribio la kujiua wakati hakuna mtu kulipa kipaumbele kwake katika nyuma ya van benchi kiti. Alikuwa anayepoteza, hakuna mtama, povu kinywani, macho yake wazi na inang'ara juu kama mbuzi wangu ambacho inaonekana wakati mimi akachukua kitambaa mbali baada ya choking yake. dakika muda mrefu baada ya dereva wa lori waliyokata ukanda kutoka shingoni kijana, alianza gurgling na gasping kidogo, na Pulse akaja nyuma. Yeye bado alikuwa hai. Kulikuwa na nene, zambarau pete kote koo wake kutoka ambapo yeye d amefungwa mwenyewe juu. Kama akapata fahamu, maneno ya kwanza yeye kuzisonga nje walikuwa, "Mimi ni wafu?" Tulimwambia hakuna, alifanya naye alikuwa amelala huko bado, na kuipangusa maji juu ya kichwa chake. Tukirudi nyuma sasa, alianza kituko nje, kuuliza kuhusu mama yake na kuhusu kile kilichotokea na jinsi yeye hakuwa na maana ya kufanya hivyo. Niliinama tena na kumwambia utulivu chini, msiwe na wasiwasi juu hakuna wa haki yote sasa. Bado kuwekewa changarawe, miguu Hung juu katika van, mangled-kuangalia na sobbing lightly, aliuliza, "Mimi ni kwenda kuwa haki ya wote?"
frizzle-haired aliyejawa mwanamke ambaye d imekuwa kuendesha uhakika, "Wewe ni kwenda kuwa faini tu. Malaika hawa kusimamishwa na kusaidiwa wewe ". Aliiangalia saa yangu na Brown na dereva wa lori. "Kila asubuhi, mimi kuomba kwa ajili ya malaika, na walikuja leo." Na yeye hugged sisi wote, na kuwaokoa kujitolea kikosi ilionyesha juu, hivyo mimi na Brown akalipa nje haraka na bila majina.
Na hata kama mimi si kuhisi kama mimi sana, kwamba tukio walionekana kuwa na righted mimi baada ya bending juu ya juu ya backside mbwa kufa katika giza nyuma ya nyumba yangu usiku mbuzi got kuuawa. Mimi wala kuhisi kama kulikuwa na kitu chochote maalum kuhusu mimi na Brown kuacha, wala mimi najisikia kama alivyofanya mwenyewe yoyote karmic nzuri kando ya barabara ya kuwa nje, kutupa kwa mkono ndogo kuweka baadhi kid kusikitisha kutokana na mauaji ya mwenyewe. Lakini mimi kuhisi kama mimi got mwenyewe juu ya keel hata mara ya pili. maneno matupu zamani anasema maisha ya kamari, na clichés huwa na bado kuwa na kidogo ya ukweli mafichoni ndani; lakini katika gambles zaidi, kuna mengi zaidi kuliko kupoteza kushinda kinachoendelea, ili kuhakikisha nyumba huja kutoka juu. Najisikia kama kama naweza kucheza njia yangu kwa njia kelele kuitwa maisha haya yote, na kukabiliana na mikono mbaya anahisi kama mimi nina kushughulikiwa, kuja kutoka nilikotoka na kufikiri njia Nadhani, kama naweza kuja nje hata, basi mimi nina kufanya pretty damned mema.

miezi michache baadaye, mimi kurudi makazi ndani ya wanyama, kuangalia kwa baadhi ya kittens kupata kama mshangao kwa binti zangu, na juu ya bodi kavu kufuta na mlango wa mbele katika kutembea, ilikuwa "Buddy antog" yameandikwa juu yake. Sasa, Buddy wetu alikuwa hakuna tag jina, hivyo hakuweza kuwa naye. Lakini pia kujua historia yake ya dodging kifo yote kumzunguka, ambaye anajua, inaweza kuwa. Na angeweza kuwa kuchimba, yake chafu ya njano pua ndani ya takataka ya mtu nyuma yadi unaweza hivi sasa.
Pia, kubwa ya uharibifu derby kinachotokea katika Virginia kinachoendelea wiki ijayo katika mitaa kata ya haki, nafasi sawa mimi kwenda kuangalia jamii kufuatilia uchafu mara kwa mara. Utakuwa mzuri kwa kuangalia magari kuharibu kila mmoja katika mazingira ya starehe ambapo watu kuwa sawa mbaya lafudhi kwamba mimi kufanya, na mimi bado unaweza kuona kwamba familiar bluu ridge skyline pamoja makali yake yote.

Я и Брауна

Моя жена и я, мы оба наших собак, прежде чем мы стали придает юридическую себя. В самом деле, на одной из наших первых "даты" был после некоторого участнику, принимая то, что осталось пол-литра Jack Daniels этикетки зеленого и о копейки мешок трясти, мы собрали обе наши собаки, и «позаимствовал» минивэна друга, чтобы отправиться в Монтану, прямой внезапного побега из Ричмонда, штат Вирджиния, нажав на нас, кроме моей жены будет принят, и я, наконец, тоже, за K-Mart где-то в районе линии государства Западной Вирджинии.
После того как мы на самом деле были женаты и живут вместе, собаки бежали вместе в течение многих лет, что делает его почти десять лет за штуку, прежде чем они оба погибли в трагической собак путей в стране всегда умирают - получить удар по unmufflered грузов и помятый свободные питбулей или всегда что-то яростно внезапно, в течение нескольких недель друг от друга. Таким образом, мы, вероятно, выглядел немного слишком легко для новой собаки, чтобы заменить эти старые.
Первый из них, чтобы прийти была небольшая, пистолет-застенчивый, потерял охотничью собаку пришедших съежившись от леса, виляя хвостом, в поисках пищи. Я действительно не хотел ее, но жена и дети, хотя она никогда не подобраться достаточно близко для вас, чтобы погладить ее, если бы присоединились к этой собаке. Это стало нашей первой новой собаки - Лопух. Вы вряд ли когда-нибудь прикоснуться к ней, и если вы сделали это, потому что вы загнали в угол ее, и она приседать вниз на живот, держа ее голову под ее телом в то же время виляя хвостом - классический беглых проторенной бездомных.
Мы приобрели нашу вторую собаку новая пара с моей младшей сестрой, которая все еще жила в безнадежном базу дом, где я вырос, где есть заводы фанеры окна и люди любимый досуг проверяют пределы жизни через суицидальные безрассудства. Это может включать машины, наркотики, или то, что достаточно удобно в руке. Моя младшая сестра получил завернутый в метамфетамин, выходя из дома только пойти к ней работу официанткой, она и ее бойфренд скрывался в пещере, как тракте дома по проселочной дороге, предаваясь за их пределы отступить. Оказалось, ее бойфренд также начали вмешиваются в трещину использования, а также, и все это время вместе, они были частью этой лаборатории / часть чау, большой желтый лох из собаки по кличке друзей, которые в основном остался прикован на входную дверь так, чтобы напугать Себя все более воровской членов черные люди, которые жили поблизости. Однажды ночью, когда ехал домой от чего-то или иначе, моя сестра уронила сигарету в автомобиле, и ее бойфренд провели колесо, пока она ловили для него. Он решил, что лучше, чтобы хлопнуть колесо влево и разбить их в дерево пор, как он - без ее ведома - воровал тысяч долларов от своей работы, чтобы помочь сохранить с его вкусом к трещины скал. Автомобиль сгорел, уничтожил половину того, что моя сестра собственности, и он убежал в лес и пропал. Когда они добрались туда, полицейские объяснили они уже ищет для него, и подозревал, что он разрушил машину на цель. Это было после моей сестры звонок, и она вернулась домой, чтобы получить себя в руки. Таким образом, мы взяли в друзей.
Друзей была странная аура, что оставшийся в живых о нем. В то время как в пути в задней части пикапа, когда они двигались к своей пещере наркотиков, Бадди голубя, ковыляя прочь в лесу милях от места, где они оставили и куда они идут. Они смотрели и искали его, но не нашел его. Три недели спустя, он пришел прихрамывая по дороге, тупой как никогда, и он каким-то образом добрался до своего нового дома. Мой друг сестра нашла его на несколько лет раньше от некоторых других аналогичных искаженное опыт, так друзей было непроницаемым урод животных, более диким, чем животное-как, хотя доброжелательный.
Бадди и лопуха - наша новая пара собак - они никогда не разработана. Они бежали дороги вокруг фермы мы жили рядом слишком много, волоча туши оленя домой, возвращаясь с царапины от отходов, и просто быть общие неприятности. Они боятся наши дети половину времени, и когда они тащили в непотрошеных оленей ребенок, я понял, что они не просто найти остатки быдло охоты в лесу, но на самом деле бежал слабые олени сами по себе. Я никогда не видел логики в том, чтобы собаки в сельской местности и держать их приковали или написал, так что я старался, чтобы обучить их, пожилых собак, которых они были. Не повезло же. Buddy'd погони каждого мотоцикла или самосвала, что проехал мимо, и лопуха бродил домой с мусором или тварей в рот половину времени. Я ждал того дня, когда некоторые проселочной дороге горячий удар по его промежности ракеты уничтожены, потому что собаки нырнули из высокой травы в кювет, пытаясь укусить его заднее колесо.
Я пытался без особого энтузиазма, чтобы найти где-нибудь для собак, чтобы пойти, просят вокруг и вызывая местный приют, который всегда был забронирован за пределы емкости. Но последней каплей, когда я вернулся домой с работы в один день, и моя жена была внизу в поле, крича на меня. У нас было три козы - мама и двое детей, - и мы не удосужился доения как мы планировали. Но я привязался к ним. Козы странных существ, и весело скандал вокруг, хотя они будут обрезать колено сзади, как средний полузащитник из дней кожаный шлем. Выросший металлист себя, казалось, идеально иметь эти обложки альбома-подобных существ, и я всегда хотел их называть вещи, как Исход или Kreator или Кирит Унгол или какое-либо другое имя группы из моей юношеской каракули скелетов обмолота этапов перед тысячу посадить на кол, обезглавленные тела на ноутбуке бумаги, предназначенные для математических задач. Наличие двух дочерей и жену, хотя, коз закончился с такими именами, как морковь или пряник или лаванды все время.
Ну, собак, которых, видимо, стал более диким, чем мы поняли, загнан в угол наших старых коз на пастбище и помятый ее хорошо. Моя жена боролась их и держал их в страхе, стоящих защитно над умирающим козы, держа наши-летний на одном бедре, которая в течение нескольких месяцев после спрашивал на ломаном разговор ребенка, "Коза больно? Коза умереть? "
Я схватил обеих собак и бросили их в пару крольчатники я нашел на свалке один раз, и пошел, как правило, козы. Она была сильное кровотечение и был внутренности тащит под ней. Я всегда был один, чтобы кормить и играть с козами, и у меня есть скамья, там их пера, так что я хотел бы получить высокое и поднимать тяжести и сидеть на молоко ящик и просто болтаются в края этой области с козами много времени, так что они привязались ко мне, коз быть очень социальные существа. Это коза оживился, когда я туда попал, так что вместо смерти, как она должна была сделать, она болталась на ней корявыми-до ног, глядя на меня: "Ты собираешься это исправить?" Но не было ничего, что я мог сделать , и у меня не было достаточно денег для телефонных счетов и страхования автомобиля, а тем более что-то вроде получения робкий, любящий животных, псевдо-врач завышенную мне действовать, как мой козел был мой дед и шить на нее и работают на нее и все, что шум.
Примерно через час, и это становится темно, было очевидно, что коза была не собирается идти на ее собственную, так что я бросил полотенце на голову. Она была очень слаба от потери крови, и я наклонился на нее жесткий, удушающий ее прикончить, что собаки начали. Мы называли друг, кто имеет домашних животных сказала мне, что самый быстрый способ был перерезать им горло или стрелять в них, но я не держу оружие и не мог построить себе до используя мой морской нож, чтобы разрезать старшая коза семьи.
В настоящее время проблема была собаки должны были пойти как хорошо. Вырастая, мы должны были бродячие собаки убийства, время от времени, когда мы оглянуться вокруг и понимаю, было около семи полудиких, чесотка охваченном звери бегают по двору все время, и мой папа и его приятель бы вытащить пистолетами и стрелять их всех, когда это необходимо для разжижения стадо. Но, как я уже сказал, я не держать оружие, так что нож был единственный выбор, и что до сих пор казалось довольно скручены в меня. Я взял меньше собака - Лопух - со скакалкой петлей на шее для ведущего, так как ни собака носила ошейник, и взял ее обратно в лес за домом. Я думал о том, как легко в физических усилий это было выдавить козы, поэтому я ошибочно убедил себя, я мог бы просто задушить эту маленькую бездомную собаку охоте, без использования ножа я привез с собой. Я затянул веревку трудно, завернул его четыре или пять раз вокруг моей один кулак и потянул, упираясь задней части шеи собаки с другой стороны, расположенной на дурака в кромешной темноте леса. Но независимо от того, как сильно я сделал это, собака не умрет. Я позволю, и слушать, чтобы увидеть, что происходит в темноте подо мной, и собака будет скулить покорно, по-прежнему пытается вилять хвостом.
Здесь я был, взрослый, образованный человек, сидя на верхней части собаки, кто всю жизнь был бить падения и злоупотребления, пытаясь задушить ее. Я чувствовал, что некоторые вырожденные убить проститутку, все дело поставив меня слишком в контакт с некоторыми первичной призывает похоронен внутри всех нас. Наконец, примерно через десять минут этой пытки, когда я понял, что пути назад нет, так как я бы, вероятно, поврежден мозг собаки, чтобы не было позволяя веревку свободно, а ее колебания вокруг, как на слабоумного, я должен был перерезать ей горла. Теперь я нарезал на оленя до этого был мертв в течение короткого времени уже, но никогда не перерезал горло живых животных. Сидя там в тяжелых темных на пенек, желая убедиться, что собака была мертва, услышав звуки перекачки крови через зияющие черта я положил ей на шею ... это было худшее звучание шума я слышал, выгравированы права в моем сердце. Был не так, что я мог сделать, что для других крупных собак, тот самый, что был прикован за пределами дома моей сестры в течение многих лет. Я не знаю, может быть, я слишком слабая или слишком эмоциональным, но я не хочу, чтобы начать зарабатывать практике, ни даже больше памяти, делать такие вещи с собакой.
Я взял веревку кровавые увести из лопуха, похоронили ее, вернулся в кроличьи клетки, и надел его на друзей. Я потащил его к себе в машину, и поехали в вечно переполненных приюте, который был вечно переполненный в середине ночи, циклы приводят к воротам для них, чтобы найти утром. Это не возможно, был прав в своих глазах, но они, наверное, важно, что меньше, чем мне убить его с ног длиной лезвия.
Весь инцидент, хотя нормальная старая ферма деятельности школы, сбил моего не старой школы, не по-хозяйски задницу в неисправном состоянии. Жуткие убийства вырожденных проститутка параллельных хранится подпрыгивая в моей голове, и я просто не чувствует себя хорошо, грязные по всему, испытание, даже если все, что я сделал, было то, что я должен был сделать.

В любом случае, я строил себе в течение нескольких месяцев для поездки дорогу весне из сельских Иллинойс, чтобы увидеть это один раз в год, гигантские дерби снос называется Metal Mayhem, с $ 10.000 кошелек. Это один из самых больших есть, с пару сотен машин, и меня, и моих путешествиях приятель имени Брауна были раздутыми. Я надеялся, что эта поездка, блуждая дорога освобождается от ответственности, даже если только в течение четырех или пяти дней, может мыть мне о моей вине.
Я никогда не был, чтобы на Среднем Западе и раньше. Бесконечные разрастание и стерилизовать взгляды Чикаго ползал меня. Моя мать была на самом деле родился там, и это было странно представить себе, я мог бы была выведена на фоне том, что вместо сельской Вирджинии. До и после Чикаго на поездку через, на Среднем Западе просто оптимальной меня и Брауна из ничего, кроме равнины, навсегда.
Видимо, снос дерби большие времени в этой части страны. Вернувшись домой, они могут иметь пять или шесть в целом состоянии в течение всего года, как правило, на ярмарках округа. Там, демо-дерби большие дела, и экипажи парни на самом деле формировать команды водителей и путешествовать вместе несколько государств в любом направлении, чтобы пойти на большие трофеи и обещание платить меньше скудной-офф. Состав земли должен иметь что-то с ним делать, потому что дома все холмы и горы, и кривые и ручьев, вы бы с трудом решился ехать полчаса, не видя пластиковых букет на ограждение или деревянный крест в кювет, где кто-то погиб в автомобильной аварии. Ушел на Среднем Западе, дороги так прямо и земля настолько плоским, он должен быть действительно сорвать автомобиль достаточно плохо, чтобы калечить себя, так демо-дерби дает этим ребятам, которые все, казалось, было довольно молодой, шанс Тест жизнь пределах через безрассудство, так же, как домой люди.
В первый день дерби начинали, моросил дождь и холодно, просто чисто несчастный погода, которая также сделала дерби грязной ямы и медленно. Сорок тепла переполнения автомобиль за $ 2500 мы наблюдали потребовалось почти три часа, чтобы закончить. Все мероприятие было очевидно, будет длиться вечно. Это было большое удовольствие на некоторое время наблюдал, как автомобиль может стать настолько искажены, крылья рухнул, тяг сломана, один автомобиль, даже не имея своего колесо повернулся боком, так что одно колесо плашмя на землю, как летающую тарелку, но его старый двигатель Detroit прежнему питания путем, заставляя разбитых металла передвигаться дальше, чем это когда-либо должно. Но снос дерби в конечном итоге много, как порнографию в том, что любой здравомыслящий человек не должен сидеть там и смотреть его восемь часов подряд, так как нет никакой конечной кульминации, которые можно получить из таких чувственных излишество. Это Metal Mayhem была в Ogle Окружная ярмарка в никуда, штат Иллинойс, целыми семьями сгорбившись вместе внутри крышки дождем без трибун. Sad мешков, как мы стояли вокруг, борьба за визуальное позиционирование по отношению к конкретным перила граничащие области дерби, получая шел дождь и грязь брызнула на нас с грохот машин. Я и Браун сделал пит-стоп в машину, чтобы вытащить пару пива из холодильника на заднем сиденье, и, сидя в машине, в тот дождливый, несчастный поле равнине, мы решили забыть. Мы вернулись в отель и получить хороший и пьяный и приходите завтра на второй день, когда, надеюсь, погода будет лучше.
На обратном пути в наш отель, мы остановились в придорожном погружении называется Oasis Лабон для пива или три. Это было утешительно место - байкер-стиле быдло сидит в атласных куртках питьевой Старый стиль высоких банок. Я поставил «длинноволосого Redneck" на музыкальном автомате, и мы выпили пару, впитывая в местной атмосферой. Все эти парни и девушки выглядели как тип людей, которые бы уже побежал с моими родителями, за исключением всех все они говорили смешно, с акцентом, который не имел Европе запеченная из ее южных влажности. Музыкальный автомат Лабон не имел ничего, но страна вне закона и южного рока, полный моей родины протяжный звук. Вся сцена была забавной, и если бы мы остались, один из этих парней в конечном итоге будет уже говорили мусор на нас, пока мы были чужими. Но на тот момент, я просто мелькнула моя сколы зуба улыбка, ямочка диких скрывается внутри неопрятной бородой, получила зная, улыбка с печальным официанткой в ​​то время как мы поселились, и меня, и Браун вернулись в отель.
На следующий день шел дождь еще сильнее, и мы приняли решение блуждать обратно к дому, так что мы не должны ездить все двенадцать часов в понедельник. И большинство из Среднем Западе еще не было в нашей симпатии. У нас были случайные радости - езда по Испанец кусок южной стороне Чикаго, где люди оказались еще понимают важность прокладки обратно. Мы закончили тем, что получили дешевый номер в Дейтоне, штат Огайо, в окружении низшего удобства гетто, в комплекте с бас-стук транспортных средств, проходящих по настоящее время, а затем, грязно китайских буфетов, при регистрации по обналичиванию суставов и тому подобное. Methed выезда цыплят шли через парковку отеля, два из них даже ловить меня открыть дверь, чтобы стоять там и пить пиво, и пытаются говорить на их пути в ближайшие ждать поездки, которая по всей вероятности, будет " ве закончил тем, что везде, где мы вынудили их. Забудьте все, что шум. Я знаю, твикер цыплят, и они никогда не выглядят так хорошо, как они помнят себя смотреть, и это почти всегда никогда не стоит свеч.
На следующий день, после того, что казалось, навсегда, проезжая по 35 South через Огайо, мы начали видеть признаки глубины земли, а после его штамп в длину, площадь полей. Четыре полосы 35 через Огайо сузился до двух раз мы перешли в Западной Вирджинии, земля начала подниматься и опускаться, и он начал искать, как домой. Я и Браун начал разжимать. Иногда, дорожной поездке хорошо для не более чем напоминать вам о том, что вам нравится, где вы оказались в жизнь. Пьемонт Вирджиния был моим домом всю мою жизнь, за пределами краткие вылазки в ту или иную сторону, и когда я в конечном итоге возвращается к той части страны, будь то в моем собственном автомобиле или чужое, или на Greyhound автобус, он чувствует, как дом все больше и больше каждый раз. Черт, я поднимаю мои собственные дети сейчас там.
Примерно через полчаса по более грубой двухполосной дороги в Западной Вирджинии, мы прошли преобразования Ван остановился на участок гравия вдоль обочины дороги, с Frizzle черноволосая женщина отчаянно размахивая руками. Были пару машин перед нами, и несколько позади, и те, перед хранится на грузоперевозки. Я и Браун решил повернуть назад, чтобы посмотреть, что происходит, автомобиль позади сигналят у нас для замедления ниже ограничения скорости, в поисках места, чтобы развернуться. Когда мы добрались туда, где Ван был, тягач и прицеп уже остановился, водитель бег назад на ван полной скорости. Я остановился позади так же, как он достиг в заднюю часть фургона, и тело подростка упал головой вперед, в гравий, ноги застряли внутри фургона. Я подбежал и спросил, если кто-нибудь позвонил 911. Водитель грузовика указал мне на его установки, чтобы захватить его сотовый телефон. После набора номера, я прошел при выключенном телефоне с неистовой женщиной, не зная, знает где, черт возьми, мы были. Ребенок, глядя на пятнадцать или около того, и с разрезом шрамы марки на всем протяжении внутренней предплечий уже как-то завернул ремня на шее в попытке покончить жизнь самоубийством в то время как никто не обращал на него внимания в спину фургона сиденья. Он был безжизненным, ни пульса, с пеной у рта, глаза открыты и потускнели, как моя коза выглядела, когда я взял полотенце после удушья ее. Долгую минуту после того, как водитель грузовика перерезал ремень с шеи мальчика, он начал бульканье и задыхаясь немного, и пульс вернулся. Он был еще жив. Существовал толстые, фиолетовые кольца вокруг его горла, откуда он связали себя. Когда он пришел в сознание, первые слова он выдавил было, "Я умер?" Мы сказали ему, нет, сделали его лежал неподвижно, и вытер воду на голову. Возвращаясь теперь, он начал волноваться, спрашивать о его маме и о том, что произошло и как он не хотел этого делать. Я наклонился и сказал ему, чтобы успокоиться, не беспокойтесь ни один из всего, что прямо сейчас. Тем не менее лежал на гравии, ногами повесили в фургоне, искажаются перспективных и рыдая легко, он спросил: "Я собираюсь быть все в порядке?"
Завивать волосы неистовой женщины, которая бы была движущей заверил: "Вы будете просто отлично. Эти ангелы остановился и помог вам. "Она посмотрела на меня и Брауна и водитель грузовика. "Каждое утро я молюсь за ангелами, и они пришли сегодня." И она обняла всех нас, и отряд добровольцев спасательной показал вверх, так меня и Брауна очистили быстро и анонимно.
И хотя я не чувствую, что я много сделал, что инцидент, казалось, исправил меня после того, склонившись над верхней части задней умирают собаки в темноте позади моего дома, что ночью козы были убиты. Я не чувствую, как там было ничего особенного обо мне и Браун остановки, и я не чувствую, что я сделал себе любые кармические хорошего по этому иностранные дороге, бросали в маленькой рукой, чтобы сохранить некоторые печальные ребенка от убийства самого себя. Но я чувствую, как я выбрался на ровный киль снова. Старое клише говорит, что жизнь в азартные игры, и клише, как правило, еще есть немного правды скрывается внутри, но в большинстве азартных игр, есть много более убыточной, чем выиграть дело, чтобы гарантировать дом выходит на первое место. Я чувствую, что если я могу играть мой путь через весь этот шум называется жизнью, и иметь дело с плохими руками он чувствует, как я рассматривались, исходя из, откуда я родом и думаю, как я думаю, если я могу выйти даже, Затем я делаю чертовски хороша.

Пару месяцев спустя, я вернулся в местном приюте для животных, глядя на некоторые котят, чтобы получить в качестве сюрприза для моих дочерей, и на сухой доске стирания у входной двери, ходить в, он "Buddy принято", написанные на ней. Теперь наши друзья не имели имен тегов, так что не было его. Но и зная его истории уклонение все смерти, которые окружали его, кто знает, может быть. И он может быть рыть его грязной, желтой мордой в спину мусор дворе кто-то может прямо сейчас.
Кроме того, крупнейший Demolition Derby, что происходит в Вирджинии собирается на следующей неделе в местной ярмарке, то же самое место, я иду, чтобы посмотреть рас грунтовой дороге время от времени. Это будет приятно смотреть, автомобили уничтожают друг друга в удобное окрестностей, где люди имеют те же плохие акцентом, что я делаю, и я все еще могу видеть, что знакомый синий горизонт хребта вдоль края все это.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

3 Soccer Games of the Day for Today

Three things of note regarding the soccerballs today. The African version of the UEFA Champions League begins it's first preliminary round today, so that gives us great things like...
(this is literally Lesotho Correctional Services' home pitch, capacity 3000 in case you were wondering; I would assume that's standing room only)
#1: DYNAMOS F.C. vs. LESOTHO CORRECTIONAL SERVICES
This preliminary round of the CAF Champions League is your normal home-and-away tie, with aggregate winners moving on to the official First Round of 32 teams. Dynamos aka the Glamour Boys is a team from Zimbabwe. But the real interesting thing to me is that there is a team called Lesotho Correctional Services, which makes me assume this is either a team of prison guards or of prisoners, which then leads to the whole possibility of famous footballers being wrongly imprisoned just to perform on the LCS team for a corrupt warden. I am going to assume that's what is going on here.
(just another day of chillingly battling riot police for Palmeiras fans)
#2: SPORTING CRISTAL vs. PALMEIRAS
Meanwhile, back down in South America, one of Peru's top teams (Sporting Cristal) is going up against one of Brazil's most popular teams (Palmeiras) in Peru. I would very much like to disappear from this bullshit country called America and do life research on psychotropical drugs in South America while also maintaining a writing presence covering the human aspect of football on that continent. All sugar mama benefactors apply to my email address. I am pretty talented at oral linguistics.
(just your standard rooster on a soccer ball with a knight holding a bloody sword team logo tattoo)
#3: TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR vs. LYON
In case you didn't know, the UEFA Europa League is like a second-tier to UEFA club championships, below the Champions League, so sort of like the American NIT tournament, major leagues are not stoked to go there but then maybe win a couple and then are like, "Oh okay, we'll see what we can do here." And then smaller leagues (countries in this case) are super-stoked to have a chance to beat up on bigger league teams, albeit on a smaller scale than the Champions League. This game is not like that because they've gotten to the knockout round of 32, which is a home-and-away, and EPL heavyweight Tottenham Hotspur aka the snarky hipster's team of choice (for those too cool for cool ass Arsenal) going up against a stupid French team. Fuck French teams. I like the Spurs because they have Clint Dempsey and I read an interview one time where he talked about listening to DJ Screw a lot. That's really all I need, to think some football dude from Texas is riding around on the wrong side of the road in London, bumping some Screw tapes, drinking codeine or whatever European codeine is, I guess for-real absinthe or something.

In yesterday's games of note; Atletico Mineiro beat Sao Paulo, 2 to 1; Manchester United and Real Madrid drew 1/1; and Shakthar Donetsk and Borussia Dortmund drew 2/2.
TWO DAYS IN A ROW I HAVE DONE THIS NOW!

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

3 Soccer Games of the Day for Today

Hey I know let's make this a football blog like world football for drug-addled degenerate Americans, won't that be fun? Might that last a week? Here are your games of the day assholes...
(world superstar Ronaldhino, who now plays for Atletico Mineiro)
#1: ATLETICO MINEIRO vs. SAO PAULO - Copa Libertadores is the South American club competition, which just started it's second stage - the group stage. Atletico Mineiro and Sao Paulo are two Brazilian clubs that got drawn in to the same group for this round, and if the internet has taught me anything about Brazil and soccer, you can expect women with large asses having sex in public places, and everybody might get stabbed or shot or stabbed with old rusty guns with the barrels filed down into gun-knives. Should be great.
(lolol Wayne Rooney plus the word gash)
#2: MANCHESTER UNITED vs. REAL MADRID - Oh wait, this is the internet in America, so you're probably a white asshole, right? You probably are like, "Champions League" all the time, and perhaps even one of those snarky internet assholes who considers yourself a Premier League fan. Well, yes your stupid Euro-Aryan Champions League started teh first leg of it's 16 round, and stupid fuckface Man U with stupid super fuckface die now shithead Wayne Rooney is playing against Real Madrid. That's probably the game that'll be on American TV. I don't know man, seems like rich white people bullshit to me, and mostly what I love about soccer is broke motherfuckers being involved. Although I coach youth soccer and had a British kid a few years back who scored his first goal ever and he did the Wayne Rooney celebration and it was a special moment for him, for me, for his parents, we were all very proud. I don't think Wayne Rooney is proud of anything any more - he just exists as the vortex of soul sucking in objects.
(just some chill ass Ukrainians, nah mean?)
#3: SHAKHTAR DONETSK vs. BORUSSIA DORTMUND - This is your alternative Champions League game of note today, because Shaktar Donetsk is Ukrainian, they are the Miners, and their team crest has mining implements on it, chill ass Halloween colors, and says "WAXTAP" which on this Ass Wednesday, after having thought about Brazilian women, seems highly sexualized to me. So hopefully I will have sex, with a human, today, at some point.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Congratulations Nigeria Super Eagles

The Nigeria Super Eagles who were being bombarded with self-hatred by fucking Nigerians all over the world in the early stages of the Africa Cup ended up coming out on top, beating the Burkina Faso Burkinafasos, 1 to 0, somewhere in South Africa, which is like the one white country in Africa everybody feels okay to go to, even though the whites don't run shit any more. It is the first time Nigeria won the major international competition based on the motherland of humanity's land mass since 1994, long before Hollywood sold red t-shirts to commemorate AIDS. As a man who has always wanted to sell off all his American stuff, live in an old army transport vehicle while travelling the countryside in the  United Kingdom, until he became afoul of the law there not used to his new world freedom sensibilities, and ended up running a small militia of metaphysicist Yorubans steeped in Rene Guenon's writings, I am happy for Nigeria.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

2013 All-Armchair Linebacker Team (numbers 23 through 33)


Look, I don’t feel like writing this shit today. So here’s what we’ll do. Go buy yourself a twenty bag and roll up two big blunts. Then start smoking the first one. I’m going to tell you some music stuff to look up on youtube for these players on the All-ACLB team, one rap-type shit and one rock-type shit for each…
#23: Arian Foster (RB, Houston Texans) – Maybe the most metaphysical fucker in the NFL. Look up Wise Intelligent’s “Illuminati” video. Yeah I could probably put links but fuck it, I want you to wormhole yourself here. As for rock, I guess it would have to be kinda wacky, and might as well represent Texas, so look you up some Roky Erickson. Old Roky with 13th Floor Elevators is cool, but maybe you’ll get the Roky documentary there too, which would be nice.
#24: Marshawn Lynch (RB, Seattle Seahawks) – Beast Mode, from the Bay Area. Fuck rock on this one, just put “classic E-40” in the googlebox, but somewhere in there mix in “Life is Too Short” by Too Short, for clarity.
#25: Richard Sherman (CB, Seattle Seahawks) – Intelligent shit-talking, aka the NFL embodiment of back-packer rap and nerd metal, and abusing Adderall. Might seem like a Danny Brown choice, but I think Danny Brown wallows in the darkness too easily. Go for the official video for “Pineal Gland” by Ab-Soul, and see if “Book of Soul” is there while you’re at it. As for rock, early Mastodon, definitely.
#26: Atari Bigby (S, San Diego Chargers) – Simply here because of his name, as I hate all Chargers, forever. But San Diego is at the border with Mexico and we probably could use a break. Scope you out some cumbia rebajada as done by Sonidero Duenez, which is like the screwed and chopped music done in Monterrey in the late ‘60s. You’ll be glad you did. Or maybe you won’t because you’re an uptight bitch who didn’t actually get high at the beginning of this article like I told you. In that case, your lack of enjoyment is due to your own not following the goddamn formula laid out for you. So fuck you.
#27: Rashean Mathis (CB, Jacksonville Jaguars) – Florida mini-dreads means Gunplay. Look up that “The Hard Way” song, as that’ll get you hyped the fuck up again. A good rock match for this is Pentagram’s “Forever My Queen”. I mean, they don’t really match but when it’s cold outside and you are high and it’s nearly a full moon and you want to get your crazed mind of a Charles Simic lunatic snowflake on, Gunplay and Pentagram are a good combo, both in terms of music as well as actual things you are utilizing for leisure.
#28: Tom Zbikowski (S, Indianapolis Colts) – Haha, I don’t even know why I included him. Probably to be contrarian towards Adrian Peterson, whose bug eyes freak me out. Whiteboy safety returning punts in white people Colts uniforms pure Indiana style is funny. Do you have Audacity for mixing tracks? You should get Audacity, and put some Scott Biram on there first, maybe “Reefer Load” or 18-Wheeler Fever” but then mix the sound on that one down to about 33%. Then put “Kush Clouds” by Freddie Gibbs over top, or fuck that, put “G.I. Pride” by Gibbs, going more old school (as old school as Gangsta Gibbs can get) and put that over top the Biram, so that then you can play it and it is Freddie Gibbs but with Scott Biram blurring up the background. There, you have Indiana drug music. You’re welcome.
#29: Earl Thomas (S, Seattle Seahawks) – Why are there so many fucking Seahawks on this thing? What the fuck man? I hate the Seahawks. Oh well, go listen to “Drop” by Earl Sweatshirt, and then Steve Earle’s version of “Mr. Mudd & Mr. Gold”. Actually that Steve Earle song is dope as fuck; it’s why I have a Jack of Diamonds tattooed on my dick. Jack of Diamonds is a hard card to play.
#30: LaRon Landry (S, New York Jets) – Haha, LaRon. No rap, no rock, just R&B music late at night doing push-ups by yourself. But you are already high, right? Okay, go get OG Ron C’s chopped not slopped version of Frank Ocean’s Channel Orange called Channel Purple. By the time you get through “Pyramids” and “Pink Matter” you ought to be halfway done on that second joint, and wishing you had dipped it in embalming fluid first.
#31: Cortland Finnegan (CB, St. Louis Rams) – Pure shit-talker. Pure Shit Talker. Listen to three Action Bronson songs (make one of them “Barry Horowitz” though), and then “The Black Mass” by Pagan Altar just to cleanse your aural palette and you’re almost done here.
#32: Jacquizz Rogers (RB, Atlanta Falcons) – Haha, what a funny name. Makes me think of Jacuzzi rooms in the hotel, getting ass back in the day. Oh man, to rent the Jacuzzi room at the Comfort Inn for the weekend, getting fucked up as shit, those were good times. Oddly enough I find my sexual stamina is more long-lasting now that I don’t drink alcohol. I get in this weird mode where I’m dialed in and start having this weird brain sweat thing going on and I literally can just do it forever, focused on my 3rd eye. I’m interested in the changes in the brain chemistry during sex, and what drives men to want to ejaculate in order to release those dopamines, because with the philosophy of Chinaman old crazy dudes who just have sex with no orgasm gaining Qi force, there’s something to it. I can feel it in my own life; I have found this to be true. I’d like to know the chemical causes of this. How do we increase those pre-orgasm chemistries naturally without getting the release of orgasmic dopamine, and how does that stimulate Qi? No songs this time, sorry, we were thinking instead. Maybe watch five minutes of a Sun-Ra documentary while you think about it.
#33: Jewel Hampton (RB, San Francisco 49ers) – Don’t even know who this dude is but his name is Jewel Hampton. You can just keep watching the Sun-Ra documentary. It’ll be good for you.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

2013 All-Armchair Linebacker Team (numbers 2 through 22)


In case you missed yesterday’s first part to this 2013 All-Armchair Linebacker team, well then you’re fucked. You’ll never catch up at this point. Anyways, today we go through numbers 12 to 22. These are the higher-profile QBs where one number was not enough, or misfit kickers or punters, or WRs who at first barely make a football team as a special teams guy with a second-hand number in training camp, but then it sticks. These are also the early 20s numbers, star numbers for players better than an under-20 number would warrant, but need to be first in line on the regular, non-pussy specialist dude roster. So let’s get to it…
#12: Tom Brady (QB, New England Patriots) – You know what? A really strange thing happened to me after that Patriots/Ravens game the other day, as I had been rooting against Belichick/Brady like anybody else with any human decency. But then there was Ray Lewis trying to take off his shoulder pads with 2 minutes left in the game so he could show off his stupid fucking Jesus shirt, and somebody is like, “No no no no” to him because you know, the game’s not over. So he lurks around, then gets himself unstrapped really quickly after the game so he can very melodramatically crouch down in the center of the field and gibber-pray some bullshit, with no teammates around at all, surrounded by media cameras, with his stupid tank top message on. And I realized, here I was rooting against Tom Brady this whole time, thinking he was a total douchebag, when in actuality the real total douche of the NFL was on the other side, in the form of Ray Lewis. All too often the Ray Lewis opinion is either, “He’s great” or “He stabbed people so I am uncomfortable with him.” Neither of these really address the issue of what a melodramatic queen type he truly is, and how he’s easily – EASILY – the biggest douchebag in the NFL. Why do I say all this as I talk about Tom Brady on the All-ACLB team? Because it’s my way of explaining that yes Tom Brady is handsome by magazine advertisement standards, and yes he is rich, and yes he has won three Super Bowls already. And yes, he was George Bush’s guest a bunch of times. But how is he really that bad? Like what are the genuine displays of outright douchery he has committed lately. Now I understand this might just mean he has excellent handlers and PR people, but still, being handled properly and relating to the public well is not necessarily a horrible thing, now is it?
#13: T.Y. Hilton (WR, Indianapolis Colts) – Mostly I like him because his name sounds like an actor on one of those WB network urban sitcoms. Sometimes I can’t sleep and I am sitting around late doing nothing naked on the couch high on hydrocodone, and I end up watching those shows – like Sisters or Meet the Pains (or whatever) where that one dude wears the most garish clothes possible. I’m not even sure most white people know these things exist. But also, racial composition is not scientific at all, and actually a political tool, so ultimately it doesn’t matter if white people know it exists, because “white people” themselves don’t truly exist, at least not scientifically.
#14: Zoltan Mesko (P, New England Patriots) – If you are named Zoltan, you will be on the All ACLB team. That’s been the new rule ever since Mack Strong retired.
#15: Tim Tebow (QB, New York Jets) – The whole Sanchez/Rex Ryan thing I wrote about yesterday is even more bizarre when you add in Tim Tebow to the whole thing. I know locker room codes are not broken, and the NFL is very strict in enforcing its kayfabe policies of not revealing bullshit to the rubes/marks at large (meaning you and me), but man, I bet the story beneath the  underbelly of the 2012 New York Jets is quite an amazing story.
#16: Josh Cribbs (WR, Cleveland Browns) – Gangsta Cribbs, who did not have the same explosion as return specialist this year, nor was he utilized as much in the wildcat formation being the Browns have Brandon Weeden now. But Gangsta Cribbs is Gangsta Cribbs, and he always came with the fury. For me, Cribbs is the perfect example of how the NFL exploits people, as he was the only thing worth seeing in a Browns uniform for a number of years, and they never gave him the money he wanted, even when he held out, and now his value has gone down so he couldn’t get it if they wanted to give it to him, and he’ll be out of the league in a couple of years, having generated millions, and made thousands. I know you heartless fuckers raised on the machine emotions of the Lords of Capital always go, “Whoa man, these guys get paid a lot of money to play this game… If they are broken, crippled, and impoverished in five  years, it’s not my problem.” One should not revel in the ignorance of others, and one should definitely not pretend to themselves that by continuously supporting an exploitative business that preys on the environmentally conditioned ignorance of others, that they are not part of the problem.
#17: Austin Collie (WR, Indianapolis Colts) – I like to call him Mr. Concussion. This dude sneezes and he’s got neurocognitive specialists giving him tests on the sideline. I have to admit I’m a little bummed there’s already been three Colts on this team. I kinda hate the Colts. Still though, it’s pretty hard to resist the chance to make an Austin Collie concussion joke.
#18: Randall Cobb (WR, Green Bay Packers) – I run a fantastical league where return yards on special teams scores points, so that period this year when the Packers had no RB, and Cobb was the only receiver who could catch passes, and he was also their return man, it was a glorious period. Thus, he is now here. Because of fake football games with nerds using math.
#19: John Skelton (QB, Arizona Cardinals) – Is there anything more perfectly misfitted than a cast-off Cardinals QB named Skelton wearing the #19? I mean, Harry Crews or Cormac McCarthy couldn’t have dreamed up something like that. So sad and so real.
#20: Ed Reed (S, Baltimore Ravens) – Ed Reed is the greatest. You can tell by looking into his sad ancient hobo hermit poet eyes. It really just drives home what a douche Ray Lewis is when you look over and Ed Reed is just being totally chill about everything, always.
#21: Charles Woodson (S, Green Bay Packers) – Similar things – though not quite as strongly – can be said for Charles Woodson. He is a rock, and keeps fighting around injuries galore, although he’s already made the downgrade from CB to safety, so there’s not much further into the grey areas of active NFL rosters he can really go. But we love Charles Woodson at Armchair Linebacker, as he was always the superior Woodson (fuck you Rod, and I guess Darren as well, though I don’t think other than that one Super Bowl game where Neil O’Donnell was paid to lose it by the Mafia anybody really thought Darren Woodson was good).
#22: Jerron McMillian (CB, Green Bay Packers) – Makes the team simply because he is the only NFL player active with my last name, spelled as I spell it, which is a rare spelling only utilized by true Super Destructors. I am of course of the metaphysical variety of Super Destructor, and the last name is pronounced “MACK-mill-in” because the extra a in the last syllable shoots into the first syllable because I am motherfucking magical like that, and more powerful than the painful conventions of the English language. I am New Writing, in human form.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

2013 All-Armchair Linebacker Team (numbers 1 through 11)


Let me make this clear – this is the 2013 All-Armchair Linebacker team of people. I am not sure where Neil is, as he has not been at the ACLB Clubhouse the past couple weeks, after I gave him some cursed turtlehead knife from a Portuguese bruxa. We usually try to meet every other week in Louisville, Kentucky, at a studio space our immense profits from Armchair Linebacker allows us to rent in the downtown arts district, where we chat about our editorial direction. Neil hasn’t showed up the past three times though. Whatever. Thus, he’s not helping with this.
Also I think picking teams based on position alone is for assholes. If you want to read some bullshit like that, go google Peter King and get your asshole reading done elsewhere. This list is done by numbers, one player per number, so our team has 99 players and like 10 kickers. Fuck you if that’s a problem.
Our first listing goes from 1 through 11 – the primadonnas of the NFL – kicking specialists and sheltered QBs and the occasional weirdo WR with a super low number (though none made our All-ACLB team in these numbers). These are the little twerps of our football team, thus they have little twerp numbers, and are the guys most likely to be good at really complicated five-part sudoku puzzles. Or backgammon. Man, is there any game more asshole-y than backgammon? Anyways, here’s the 2013 All-ACLB team, Part 1 of 9…
#1: Pat McAfee (P, Indianapolis Colts) – Don’t know shit about this guy, like at all, and I hate the Colts, but I can’t help but imagine weird ass drunken rich guy Jim Irsay is somehow friends with that weird ass drug-addled rich dude who started the actual McAfee virus software that was in Central America doing brain drugs and killing some other dude and being a nutball, so I sort of imagine Pat McAfee is probably about as good as 142 other punters on this earth (as they are all about the same after the best five), but because his uncle is the crazy software guy, and that guy used to go on hash/16-year-old boy indulgence vacations with Irsay a few years back, Irsay got him to be his punter.
#2: Kai Forbath (K, Washington Redskins) – California kid called Kai who kicks with a shoe three-sizes too small… not normally what I’d be proud of, but he’s the first good kicker the Redskins have had in 20 years, even though half the guys who used to kick for the Redskins all kick elsewhere now. Naturally easy nickname of “Cobra” Kai as well.
#3: Russell Wilson (QB, Seattle Seahawks) – Look, I don’t like Russell Wilson, mostly because he sounds and looks like Tiger Woods, and who the fuck likes Tiger Woods? That’s like liking feudalism. But there’s not a lot of great shit going on with the #3 in the NFL right now, and the kid had a good rookie season, so I’ll give him some shine.
#4: Jason Hanson (K, Detroit Lions) – Has been playing since before anybody outside of defense contractors knew what the internet was. Oldest man in football probably, and one day will be forced to retire, thus causing the Lions to lose the one piece that tied together the three times they were almost good as a franchise.
#5: Chris Kluwe (P, Minnesota Vikings) – Very popular amongst the internet for being an internet douche type that likes comic book shit and is okay with gays. Sometimes it is lost on us nowadays that just because you like comic books and are okay with gays, it does not mean you are a cool person. There are plenty of dumbasses who like comic books and are okay with gays. You should stop using the logical fallacy of thinking because somebody is the opposite of something stupid, they are not stupid. Everybody is stupid.
#6: Mark Sanchez (QB, New York Jets) – Oh man, there is so much to say here about Mark Sanchez. First, the butt fumble thing is an amazing work of chaos that we are all so blessed to have happen in the internet age when wacky gifs can live forever (relatively speaking). If that had happened in 1971, which it might have, we wouldn’t know, much less catch many lulz over. But beyond this, the entire Mark Sanchez story is interesting to me, as you have this magazine advertisement handsome kid from SoCal, going into the largest metro market in America, wooing everybody with his good looks – a natural pussymonger if there ever was one, in the Joe Namath tradition. Now usually the professional athlete of this stature takes years to slowly deteriorate and be forced, against his will, to take on a normal man’s life. Except with Sanchez, his lack of successes has caused this to be foisted upon him even earlier. He is essentially the most handsome failure of America, even more handsome but more of a failure than even Matt Leinart before him. And yet there is coach Rex Ryan on Caribbean vacation sporting a shitty tattoo of his wife in a Sanchez jersey. That would be weird under normal circumstances (if such a thing can occur in normal circumstances) but given the fact Ryan’s wife has been outed before as star of homemade foot fetish videos, and Ryan himself an alleged prevert, it all the more remarkable. “Why?” you may ask. Well because through rampant surfing through tumblrs, I can tell you foot fetishists tend to skew towards liking to be humiliated, and there is a strong cross-section of this demographic that also enjoys playing the cuckold, which is a medieval term for “haha, somebody else is fucking your ol’ lady while you watch.” So for Coach Ryan to have his star handsome QB’s jersey on his poorly tattooed wife in a sultry pose, it suggests things very Craigslist No-Strings-Attached folder-like. And of course, that makes perfect sense for the New York Jets, and their degenerate fanbase. Of course now the Sanchez era may be over, and he will just be a high profile back-up somewhere like San Francisco or Carolina or something, but man, it was really the most perfect thing ever while it was rolling along.
#7: Ben Roethlisberger (QB, Pittsburgh Steelers) – Fuck the haters, Big Ben is the best. Giant, halfwit QBs who probably hang out on the Sons of Anarchy set in the off-season will always be the best. Kenny Stabler taught me that.
#8: Adam Podlesh (P, Chicago Bears) – Nothing remarkable about Adam Podlesh, other than he is the Bears player in the #8 jersey, formerly made infamous by Rex Grossman, who is perhaps the worst QB who ever made it to a Super Bowl. Have you ever thought about the fact the only Super Bowl Peyton Manning ever won was against Rex Grossman? Doesn’t seem quite so Hall of Fame-worthy, does it?
#9: Tony Romo (QB, Dallas Cowboys) – There is nothing more perfect than watching Tony Romo fuck up the end of a game and/or season in the haphazard, confused twinkle-eyed ways that only Tony Romo can. For that reason alone, there is no way he would not be on our All-ACLB team, because we are about the beauty of suffering more than probably anything else.
#10: Robert Griffin III (QB, Washington Redskins) – Briefly made the Redskins seem like they might right their immense wrongs, until their immensely wrong ways swallowed RG3 whole and snapped his knee sideways. Every Redskins fan blog should just have an animated gif of RG3’s knee bending sideways in the hardscrabble surface of FedEx Field as its banner, because nothing more perfectly sums up the Dan Snyder era of Redskinsdom than that moment.
#11: Sebastian Janikowski (K, Oakland Raiders) – Throwback kicker in that he is a rudeboy Polock with a beer belly, and yet still awesome as fuck. If you wanted somebody to speak to your corporate sponsors, he’d be the last choice amongst all NFL kickers, but if you wanted somebody to attempt a 65-yard field goal at the end of a meaningless first half of a meaningless week 13 game against the Chiefs, there’s nobody better.

Monday, January 21, 2013

S14: Best African Cup of Nations Teams Over the Past 10 Competitions

[a ROJONEKKU simul-post]

Hey, guess what? This past weekend the 2013 African Cup of Nations kicked off in South Africa, and that is a thing I am casually interested in. Being this is a website inside of the American internet, where sort of interesting content is very often created by people casually interested in a thing, I figured what the fuck man, let me waste some time probably better spent on other things, and compile a list of the national football teams, African style, old sporting 14 list style, dork style, pure internet styles galore. So what I did was I broke open an Excel spreadsheet and calculated some functions and sorted some datas and went through the past ten African Cups, giving teams different points for how far they went each cup, and then powerfying them according to which one was most recent and which one was most farthest, and I came up with this totally scientific as fuck list of the Top 14 National Teams in the African Cup’s past ten tournaments, and will use this as a way to talk to you about what this team’s chances or whatever are for this African Cup.
You might be like, “Whoa whoa whoa… what the fuck is the African Cup of Nations?” Well, remember that shit about the UEFA Cup that was all over the ESPNs last fall, in Poland and the Ukraine, what which had white peoples from everywhere all talking about that shit, and people you never even knew were from Europe originally in your local locale started talking about shit like Wayne Rooney or Portugal or racism in the Ukraine or the local Irish pub that serves Guinness on tap? This is the African version. It was supposed to be in Libya, but then Libya came apart at the political seams in 2011 and traded spots with South Africa, who was gonna host this shit in 2017, so Libya will be all better by then I’m sure and be able to host the African Cup of Nations. There’s always some sort of craziness with the African Cup, like a country’s team is abducted or absolved or killed in a plane crash or there’s a civil war or something. So let’s travel through this wonderful continent that was the mother of all humanity...
#1: EGYPT aka The Pharaohs – Not even competing in this one; ranked 54th in the World by the FIFA. Egypt has won more African Cups than anybody – 7 – and even set a record in the early 2000s by winning or tying 19 straight games. They won this bama in 2006, 2008, and 2010. But during World Cup qualifying in 2010, they lost a controversial play-in game with Algeria, and the national team has pretty much gone into disarray ever since then, not qualifying for the 2012 CAN (aka African Cup) or this one in 2013 (which switched to odd years to avoid World Cup crossover). To their credit, they have two wins in their first two games of African group qualifying for the 2014 World Cup, and I am sure the fine folks of Egypt would rather have the nation’s third appearance in the World Cup than anything else, especially post-Mubarak era.
#2: CAMEROON aka The Indomitable Lions – Also not in the field of this 2013 CAN, and ranked 67th in the World by the FIFA. Cameroon is tied for second-most CAN titles having won four, just like Ghana. They’ve actually made the knockout phase (final eight) of the African Cup seven times in a row, before not qualifying in 2012. The early 2000s saw Cameroon as one of the Third World’s best football teams, almost cracking the FIFA top 10, and they’ve qualified for six of the past eight World Cups. They also are notable for controversial uniforms, as they had sleeveless bamas in Africa in 2002, which the World Cup wouldn’t let them wear. And then in 2004, Puma designed one-piece outfits for Cameroon (lolol) which FIFA declared illegal, even though there was no official wording saying shirts and shorts needed to be separate articles of clothing. As many things football-related end up doing, it went through international court systems, and Cameroon agreed to wear two-piece uniforms, and the FIFA gave them back their qualifying points that had been stolen by white men from Europe.
#3: NIGERIA aka The Super Eagles – In Group C of the African Cup, ranked 52nd by the FIFA. The 1990s saw one of the African continent’s best national team runs ever as Nigeria not only qualified but won their group in both the 1994 and 1998 World Cup, failing to win their first knock-out game in both however. Still though, those runs gave African teams confidence in their hyper-speed style of play. Nigeria, as you can see by their FIFA ranking, is not as great as it was when it was considered one of the best 5 teams on the Earth. Nigeria won the CAN twice, but not since 1994 when they were truly the Super Eagles, but has finished 2nd or 3rd four of the past six African Cups. They were, however, tied by lowly Burkina Faso in their first game this African Cup, which inspired THIS amazing celebration by the Burkina Faso goalkeep.
#4: COTE D’IVOIRE aka Les Elephants – In Group D aka the African group of death, ranked 14th by FIFA. Cote d’Ivoire, led by good ol’Didier Drogba, is the darling of the African continent currently, with the highest FIFA ranking of any nation. (Algeria, also in Group D, is the second-highest ranked team according to FIFA nerdery.) The thing is though, until the rise of Drogba, Cote d’Ivoire has little international presence. They’ve qualified for the past two World Cups, but not made it out of the group stage. In the African Cup, they had a run in the early ‘90s where they won in ’92 and finished third in ’94, but that’s their high. They’ve finished fourth in ’08, and lost the championship in ’06 and ’12, but have yet to win the Cup during the Drogba era. This might be their last chance to do so, as he is already transitioning into circus show stage of his career, playing in China for big money against lesser competition.
#5: GHANA aka The Black Stars – In Group B, ranked 26th in the World by the FIFA football ranking organization that is totally corrupt. Look, I will be honest, Ghana is my favorite team from the whole world, as the entire history of gaining independence before any other African colonial country, slapping a black star on their flag, and becoming proud soccer players, is a story that is unparalleled in Africa. Add to this weird Ghanaian movie house homemade movie posters, and a country that produces the best hip hop on the continent (fuck you Nigeria), and Ghana is the place I often convince my ol’lady we should relocate to before America completely disintegrates into financial chaos and cultural Armageddon. They’re tied for second with 4 African Cup titles, but haven’t won it all since 1982. In 2010, the Black Stars became only the third African team in historical foreverness to make it to the World Cup quarterfinals, losing in that round to Uruguay in a heart-breaking game I watched on a laptop sitting on the hood of a 1972 Pontiac Catalina (for real –word to the Fresh Dipped). Had they won, they’d have been the first African team to make the semifinals, ever. Here’s hoping to 2014 in Brazil! And here’sA SONG to hype you up about it!
#6: TUNISIA aka the Eagles of Carthage – Trapped in Group D, and ranked 53rd worldwide by the FIFA. Tunisia won this is 2004, but has drawn a group that features the two best current teams from the African continent. They’ll kick off group play tomorrow in a border bash against Algeria. They’ve qualified for four World Cups, including three in a row from 1998 through 2006, but are most famous amongst African football historians for being the first African nation to win a game in the World Cup, beating Mexico 3 to 1 in 1978. Ultimately, African football history on the international stage has been a slow-growth process of post-Colonial independence, as displayed through the prism of sports. This also is why I always root for African teams in the World Cup. Fuck the first world.
#7: ZAMBIA aka The Copper Bullets – In Group C, also the defending champions of the African Cup, and ranked 39th in the World. They’ve qualified for five World Cups, with very limited success there, and been a top team in African from time to time, but never won the African Cup until last year. Thus, there has been a cash bounty placed on them repeating as champions, as it is a proud moment for Zambians. I mean, sometimes I have to mail in these blurbs because I don’t feel like writing anything, so I just say really normal shit like that. It sucks, but luckily I don’t know any Zambians who will be insulted by it. I guess maybe that’s not lucky I don’t know Zambians, as perhaps my life would be more enriched with their influence.
#8: MALI aka Les Aigles which means Les Eagles – In Group B, ranked 25th by the FIFA. As of writing this, the first six games of this year’s African Cup have resulted in five draws, with Mali’s win over Niger (aka the N-country for poor spellers) being the only outright victory. Mali is the top-ranked team in this year’s competition that has never won an African Cup, and much like throughout their history, they are currently experiencing chaos and unrest at home. In fact, Mali has had to withdraw or didn’t even bother to enter qualifying for every World Cup up until 2002. Even then, in 2006, when they lost a qualifying game against Togo on a last second goal, riots broke out afterwards. So they’ve never won the African Cup and never even made the World Cup, and still are ranked 25th in the World right now. If you are a fan of chaos, I suggest you pull for Les Aigles.
#9: SENEGAL aka the Lions of Teranga – Unqualified for this African Cup, ranked 79th internationally by the FIFA. Senegal’s high watermark of historical footballdom came in 2002 when they made the quarterfinals of the World Cup. They’ve never won the African Cup, though they did finish 2nd in that 2002 year of greatness, and finished 3rd multiple times, as recently as 2006. But they’re not even in the field this odd-ass year.
#10: SOUTH AFRICA aka The Stupid South Africans – The host country and in weak-ass Group A, ranked 85th in the World. You may remember that South Africa hosted the last World Cup, which had those vuvuzelas making noise all over the place. I can only assume that shit is going on again at the African Cup. I fully support the use of cheap plastic horns; fuck the haters. That being said, I never cared much culturally for South Africa, even after apartheid ended, because I don’t know, it seems like the one African country that would be next to Florida on an imaginary map’s geopolitical reconfiguration of the Earth’s nations. That means it’s not so desirable. (Apologies to all Floridians and South Africans who are cool peeps though; keep it real y’all.) And actually their nickname is Bafana Bafana, which is Afrikaaner for “the Stupid South Africans” I think.
#11: MOROCCO aka The Lions of the Atlas – Another quality Group A team, and ranked 74th internation-style by FIFA. I don’t know, I’m getting kinda bored of this, and thinking about Morocco makes me wish I could smoke some hash, so I’m going to take my writing tincture and zone out to some Wino acoustic troubadour metal goodness for a little while.
#12: ALGERIA aka the Green Desert Foxes – In Group D, ranked 22nd in the World. Most of what I know about Algeria and Algerians was taught to me by an Egyptian co-worker right after Algeria beat Egypt in World Cup qualifying in 2010 and the two countries almost went to war. Algerians are dirty, smelly people, and carry giant swords around and kill people for no good reason, and are a country of thugs and murderers who wouldn’t respect the word of The Prophet if it was given to them right before their eyes. And really, they stink.
#13: ANGOLA aka The Sable Antelopes – In Group A, and ranked 78th by the FIFA. Look, all I know is Angola has the best flag in the whole wide world, because they are one of the last Communist countries left, and their flag features the traditional hammer and sickle image re-imagined with half a cog and a machete. I would love to have one of these. If you are reading this right now (which I doubt anybody is) and you were to buy me a full-sized Angolan flag and send it to my PO Box, you would be my most favorite person for at least three weeks. At least. That is not me begging either, because if I was going to beg for a flag I would beg for the old style Rwandan flag, pre-genocide style, which had the traditional African red and green and yellow with a basic black R right in the middle. That shit is tight as fuck.
#14: GUINEA aka the National Elephants – Not even in this bitch, ranked 61st by FIFA. They’ve never qualified for the World Cup, and were even banned from international competition at one point in the early 2000s due to government interference. They were runner-up in the 1976 African Cup, but have never made it beyond the quarterfinals other than that. And yet they consistently appear in the tournament, maintaining mid-card status in African football team. And with that vague wrestling-reference, I am out of this bitch. WATCH AFRICAN CUP GAMES ON WHATEVER ESPN IS ON THE INTERWEBS, OR BETTER YET GO TO SOME FOREIGN ASS WEBSITES AND DO SO, BECAUSE HONESTLY IF AFRICAN HISTORY HAS TAUGHT US ANYTHING IT SHOULD BE FUCK AMERICA.

The New Journalism Presents the Transcript of Martin Luther King's I Have a Dream Speech.

 (As usual, thanks to gizoogle.net for breaking this down into real talk. Also, this may either be the best thing I've ever done or the worst thing. Maybe both.)

I be aiiight ta join wit you todizzle up in what tha fuck will go down up in history as tha top billin demonstration fo' freedom up in tha history of our nation.

Five score muthafuckin years ago, a pimped out American, up in whose symbolic shadow our crazy-ass asses stand todizzle, signed tha Emancipation Proclamation. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. This momentous decree came as a pimped out beacon light of hope ta mazillionz of Negro slaves whoz ass had been seared up in tha flamez of witherin injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak ta end tha long night of they captivity.

But one hundred muthafuckin years later, tha Negro still aint free. One hundred muthafuckin years later, tha thuglife of tha Negro is still sadly crippled by tha manaclez of segregation n' tha chainz of discrimination. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. One hundred muthafuckin years later, tha Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty up in tha midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred muthafuckin years later, tha Negro is still languishin up in tha cornerz of American society n' findz his dirty ass a exile up in his own land. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! So our crazy-ass asses have come here todizzle ta dramatize a muthafuckaful condition.

In a sense our crazy-ass asses have come ta our nationz capital ta chedda a cold-ass lil check. When tha architectz of our rehood freestyled tha magnificent lyricz of tha Constipation n' tha Declaration of Independence, they was signin a promissory note ta which every last muthafuckin American was ta fall heir. This note was a promise dat all men, yes, black pimps as well as white men, would be guaranteed tha unalienable muthafuckin rightz of life, liberty, n' tha pursuit of happiness.

It be obvious todizzle dat Tha Ghetto has defaulted on dis promissory note insofar as her playa hataz of color is concerned. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Instead of honorin dis sacred obligation, Tha Ghetto has given tha Negro gangstas a funky-ass bad check, a cold-ass lil check which has come back marked "insufficient funds." But our crazy-ass asses refuse ta believe dat tha bank of justice is bankrupt. Our thugged-out asses refuse ta believe dat there is insufficient fundz up in tha pimped out vaultz of opportunitizzle of dis nation. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So our crazy-ass asses have come ta chedda dis check -- a cold-ass lil check dat will give our asses upon demand tha richez of freedom n' tha securitizzle of justice. Our thugged-out asses have also come ta dis hallowed spot ta remind Tha Ghetto of tha fierce urgency of now, nahmeean, biatch? This is no time ta engage up in tha luxury of defin off and ta take tha tranquilizin sticky-icky-icky of gradualism. Now is tha time ta make real tha promisez of democracy. Now is tha time ta rise from tha dark n' desolate valley of segregation ta tha sunlit path of racial justice. Now is tha time ta lift our hood from tha quick sandz of racial injustice ta tha solid rock of bruthahood. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Now is tha time ta make justice a realitizzle fo' all of Doggz children.

It would be fatal fo' tha hood ta overlook tha urgency of tha moment. This swelterin summer of tha Negroz legitimate discontent aint gonna pass until there be a invigoratin autumn of freedom n' equality. Nineteen sixty-three aint a end yo, but a funky-ass beginning. Those whoz ass hope dat tha Negro needed ta blow off screw n' will now be content will gots a rude awakenin if tha hood returns ta bidnizz as usual. There is ghon be neither rest nor tranquilitizzle up in Tha Ghetto until tha Negro is granted his playa hatershizzle rights. Da whirlwindz of revolt will continue ta shake tha foundationz of our hood until tha bright dizzle of justice emerges.

But there is somethang dat I must say ta mah gangstas whoz ass stand on tha warm threshold which leadz tha fuck into tha palace of justice. In tha procesz of bustin our rightful place our crazy-ass asses must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let our asses not seek ta satisfy our thirst fo' freedom by drankin from tha cup of bitternizz n' hatred.

Our thugged-out asses must forever conduct our struggle on tha high plane of dignitizzle n' discipline. Our thugged-out asses must not allow our creatizzle protest ta degenerate tha fuck into physical violence fo' realz. Again n' again our crazy-ass asses must rise ta tha majestic heightz of meetin physical force wit ass force. Da marvelous freshly smoked up militancy which has engulfed tha Negro hood must not lead our asses ta a thugged-out distrust of all peckerwoods, fo' nuff of our white bruthas, as evidenced by they presence here todizzle, have come ta realize dat they destiny is tied up wit our destiny. They have come ta realize dat they freedom is inextricably bound ta our freedom. Our thugged-out asses cannot strutt alone.

As our crazy-ass asses strutt, our crazy-ass asses must make tha pledge dat our crazy-ass asses shall
always march ahead. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Our thugged-out asses cannot turn back. There is em whoz ass is askin tha devoteez of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" Our thugged-out asses can never be satisfied as long as tha Negro is tha sucka of tha unspeakable horrorz of five-o brutality. Our thugged-out asses can never be satisfied, as long as our bodies, heavy wit tha fatigue of travel, cannot bust lodgin up in tha motelz of tha highways n' tha hotelz of tha ghettos. Our thugged-out asses cannot be satisfied as long as tha Negroz basic mobilitizzle is from a smalla ghetto ta a larger one. Our thugged-out asses can never be satisfied as long as our lil pimps is stripped of they selfhood n' robbed of they dignitizzle by signs statin "For Whites Only". Our thugged-out asses cannot be satisfied as long as a Negro up in Mississippi cannot vote n' a Negro up in New York believes he has not a god damn thang fo' which ta vote. Fuck dat shit, no, our crazy-ass asses is not satisfied, n' our crazy-ass asses aint gonna be satisfied until justice rolls down like watas n' righteousnizz like a mighty stream.

I be not unmindful dat a shitload of y'all have come here outta pimped out trials n' tribulations. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Some of y'all have come fresh from narrow jail cells. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Some of y'all have come from areas where yo' quest fo' freedom left you battered by tha stormz of persecution n' staggered by tha windz of five-o brutality. Yo ass done been tha veteranz of creatizzle suffering. Continue ta work wit tha faith dat unearned sufferin is redemptive.

Go back ta Mississippi, go back ta Alabama, go back ta Downtown Carolina, go back ta Georgia, go back ta Louisiana, go back ta tha slums n' ghettoz of our northern ghettos, knowin dat somehow dis situation can n' is ghon be chizzled. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Let our asses not wallow up in tha valley of despair.

I say ta you todizzle, mah playas, so even though our crazy-ass asses grill tha bullshiznit of todizzle n' tomorrow, I still gots a thugged-out dream. It be a thugged-out trip deeply rooted up in tha American dream.

I gots a thugged-out trip dat one dizzle dis hood will rise up n' live up tha true meanin of its creed: "Our thugged-out asses hold these truths ta be self-evident: dat all pimps is pimped equal."

I gots a thugged-out trip dat one dizzle on tha red hillz of Georgia tha lil playaz of forma slaves n' tha lil playaz of forma slave ballaz is ghon be able ta sit down together all up in tha table of bruthahood.

I gots a thugged-out trip dat one dizzle even tha state of Mississippi, a state swelterin wit tha heat of injustice, swelterin wit tha heat of oppression, is ghon be transformed tha fuck into a oasiz of freedom n' justice.

I gots a thugged-out trip dat mah four lil lil pimps will one dizzle live up in a hood where they aint gonna be judged by tha color of they skin but by tha content of they character.

I gots a thugged-out trip todizzle.

I gots a thugged-out trip dat one day, down up in Alabama, wit its vicious racists, wit its governor havin his fuckin lips drippin wit tha lyricz of interposizzle n' nullification; one dizzle muthafuckin right there up in Alabama, lil black boys n' black hoes is ghon be able ta join handz wit lil white boys n' white hoes as sistas n' bruthas.

I gots a thugged-out trip todizzle.

I gots a thugged-out trip dat one dizzle every last muthafuckin valley shall be exalted, every last muthafuckin hill n' mountain shall be done cooked up low, tha rough places is ghon be done cooked up plain, n' tha crooked places is ghon be done cooked up straight, n' tha glory of tha Lord shall be revealed, n' all flesh shall peep it together.

This is our hope. This is tha faith dat I go back ta tha Downtown with. With dis faith our crazy-ass asses is ghon be able ta hew outta tha mountain of despair a stone of hope. With dis faith our crazy-ass asses is ghon be able ta transform tha janglin discordz of our hood tha fuck into a funky-ass dope symphony of bruthahood. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! With dis faith our crazy-ass asses is ghon be able ta work together, ta pray together, ta struggle together, ta go ta jail together, ta stand up fo' freedom together, knowin dat our crazy-ass asses is ghon be free one day.

This is ghon be tha dizzle when all of Doggz lil pimps is ghon be able ta rap wit a freshly smoked up meaning, "My fuckin ghetto, 'tiz of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where mah fathers died, land of tha pilgrimz pride, from every last muthafuckin mountainside, let freedom ring."

And if Tha Ghetto is ta be a pimped out hood dis must become true. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So let freedom rang from tha prodigious hilltopz of New Hampshire. Let freedom rang from tha mighty mountainz of New York. Let freedom rang from tha heightenin Allegheniez of Pennsylvania!

Let freedom rang from tha snowcapped Rockiez of Colorado!

Let freedom rang from tha curvaceous slopez of California!

But not only that; let freedom rang from Stone Mountain of Georgia!

Let freedom rang from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee!

Let freedom rang from every last muthafuckin hill n' molehill of Mississippi. From every last muthafuckin mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when dis happens, when our crazy-ass asses allow freedom ta ring, when our crazy-ass asses let it rang from every last muthafuckin hood n' every last muthafuckin hamlet, from every last muthafuckin state n' every last muthafuckin hood, our crazy-ass asses is ghon be able ta speed up dat dizzle when all of Doggz children, black pimps n' white men, Jews n' Gentiles, Protestants n' Catholics, is ghon be able ta join handz n' rap up in tha lyricz of tha oldschool Negro spiritual, "Jacked at last, muthafucka! free at last, muthafucka! give props ta Dogg Almighty, our crazy-ass asses is free at last!"