This was one of the first Google Image Results for "bear draft."I really hate draft recap posts. I don't pay much attention to college football, and I pay even less attention to all the waterheads and Aspies who spend the months of March and April plugging some offensive guard's body mass index into their secret lineman formula to see who the Texans are going to take in the fifth. In fact, every time I've done one of these godforsaken things, I've just looked over a bunch of (usually conflicting) draft recaps that other people have done and used that as a guide to sort of divine a hasty judgment out of all this meaningless bullshit. Of course, this probably makes me more qualified to conduct a draft than half the dudes the Bears are employing, so I feel no shame in doing this that follows.
FIRST ROUND:
Traded away for Jay Cutler's right half. That's his good half, the half he throws with, so I feel that this was a much better move than what we did with last year's pick. Moving on.
SECOND ROUND:
Traded away for a few months of Gaines Adams. Needless to say, they were not the finest months the dude ever had. And I hate to say this, but we probably could have gotten him for a fourth or fifth rounder, or just waited a year for the Bucs to release him, had the dude lived. Oh well. I'd pour out a forty for the guy, but I don't drink, and pouring out a Diet Sunkist just seems like an insult to the dead and a waste of delicious Sunkist.
THIRD ROUND:
Major Wright, Safety, Florida - This was a huge area of need, seeing as how the situation at safety had decayed to the point where Craig "only white dude in the NFL to not be a fan favorite" Steltz's name has openly been tossed around as the 2010 starter there. Thing was, our big problem was that we had all sorts of dudes who fit the strong safety role and could just tackle the shit out of people all day, (in theory, at least) but we really needed a guy to play free safety, a "cover safety," a dude to jump in and lend a hand when Zackary Bowman or Charles Tillman just sort of watch a receiver sprint by. And we ended up drafting... Another strong safety, basically. But I suppose I can't be too upset, because even if he doesn't end up fitting the role he was drafted for, our strong safeties are mostly lousy anyway, and in a best-case scenario, I've seen like two people who would know things comparing him to Mike Brown. And if nothing else, he does have a pretty killer name. It falls far short of the whole "house of spears" thing Ndamukong Suh has going on, (and people are sleeping on his first name having "Kong" in it) but seriously, unless the Bears found a guy named something like "Chainsaw Nukingham" or "Early Metallica Johnson," nothing was going to top that anyway.
FOURTH ROUND:
Corey Wootton, Defensive End, Northwestern - And here we see Jerry Angelo's yearly Wile E. Coyote "look at how smart I am" pick. In the tradition of his predictions that Roosevelt Williams, Dan Bazuin, and Terrence Metcalf would all become superstars, that Dusty Dvoracek's injury and face-punching problems were behind him, and that Tank Johnson was just happy to see him and that it really wasn't a gun in his pocket, it now comes to pass that this former first round prospect will surely get over his devastating knee injuries. I suppose I shouldn't be too down on this pick, because the upside on the dude is humongous, but the downside is pretty big too, and gambles shouldn't be taken in the fourth round in years when the fourth round is your second round. Also, this makes me wonder if they remembered Mark Anderson's 2007 through 2009 seasons and are really, really regretting that they cut Alex Brown. Either way, this dude will probably be on the receiving end of one of those preseason phantom injury trips to injured reserve that the Bears love so much. So we should wait to pass judgment on him in 2011, when his redshirt year is up and he gets his knee right.
FIFTH ROUND:
Josh Moore, Cornerback, Kansas State - On one hand, this was a steal, because some folks had him as high as the second round in their predictions. On the other hand, predictions are stupid, we heard the same shit about D.J. Moore last year, and this guy's combine was bad enough to make the rest of the league avoid him at all costs. I mean, it's not like a cornerback is required to push people around or arm-wrestle dudes or anything, but he only got the scouting combine-required 225 pounds up twice. Twice. And this dude is a professional football player. Hell, I could probably do that, and I'm typing in a goddamn blog. For free, even. Of course, I probably run the 40-yard dash a full two to three seconds slower than this dude, but still. I'd say this might be another IR redshirt while they try and get this dude some arms, but the Bears need all they help they can get at his position right now.
SIXTH ROUND:
Dan LeFevour, Quarterback, Central Michigan - Baffling. You got a quarterback who's presumably your guy for a long, long time, your backup situation there (third year practice squad fugitive Caleb Hanie) is such that what you really need is a vet to lock shit down when Pat Williams collapses one of Cutler's lungs, and you draft a new QB instead. A project dude, even; a guy who's pretty much Tim Tebow without the media hype, Christian zealotry, or a fraction of the football-playing ability. Man, we could have used this pick on a shitty backup guard or something.
SEVENTH ROUND:
J'Marcus Webb, Offensive Tackle, West Texas A&M - Well, you can never really feel too good or too bad about a last-round pick, because the guy you get there might have been skipped over 240 times for a reason, but if he fails, eh, all you lost was a seventh-round pick. But staying positive, this is a dude who is a massive man-beast of a colossal thing, which is always good. And he's somehow related to Richmond Webb, who was one of the biggest badasses ever that people never really talked about, even though he made like ten Pro Bowls for the Dolphins back when I was a lad. On the other hand, he's a Division II guy, and he almost has the same first name as Jamarcus Russell, which is probably pretty close to a cursed name now. Like how serious thespians just refer to MacBeth as "The Scottish Play," future footballers will refer to Jamarcus Russell as "the fat, lazy Raiders QB." But eh, it's just a seventh round pick.
NEXT TIME: Hell if I know. What do you people want from me. Shit.
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